


Always All For You

by 3amDebs



Series: Always All For You [1]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Allenbert af, Angst, Definitely AU, Don't Judge Me, I Blame Tumblr, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I regret everything, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Sleep Deprivation, for now, i don't know what I am doing, it was 3 am, oh yes pining very much
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-01 14:12:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10191743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3amDebs/pseuds/3amDebs
Summary: When Barry starts to question himself, the answers he gets aren't the ones he should've got.However, they are the ones he was hoping to get.





	1. Chapter 1

Barry was desperate for answers, for some sort of remedy, for a shred of hope. Till now, Savitar had been successful in all his attempts. Saving Iris seems more and more like a pipe dream. This constant stress of searching for ways to save her is affecting him severely. He knows that. Like today, he asked Julian to be Doctor Alchemy against his wishes. Twice. He could see the ruction, the pain, the guilt, Julian tries to hide behind his attitude and British drawl. Unfortunately, Alchemy has a mask but Julian doesn't. His feeble attempts seems ludicrous to Barry. But the speedster didn't care. No, all he cared about was finding a way to save Iris.  
Finding a way to save Iris or finding a way to stop Savitar? It sounds like it's the same thing but it isn't. It really isn't. The line is blurred, yes, but the two are very different things. Stopping Savitar would save Iris but is there really no other way around? What if Barry could strike a deal with him? What if Barry offered himself up so that Savitar wouldn't attack Iris? Can he do that? What did he ever do to Savitar?  
Did he say thank you to Julian for keeping his request? He should've. That couldn't have been easy, letting a murderous, vile, cruel monster take control of your consciousness. Julian looked so scared every damn time after their chat with Savitar was over. Sure, he covered it up with his anger & disgust but Barry could look through the facade just fine. How busy was he that he couldn't even say a simple thank you to Julian? Wait, why is he thinking about the meta-human CSI Specialist? Shouldn't he be thinking about Iris instead? It's weird how Barry got a clue about Savitar being trapped in the Speedforce while having a serious talk with his fiancé.  
Is it though?  
Iris had left the ring on the table and all he could think about was Savitar?  
Saving Iris and stopping that hideous creature are two very different things.

What goes on in that monster's head? Is it all pent up rage for Barry? An insatiable hunger to see Barry being destroyed bit by bit? Does Julian not remember anything about being connected to Savitar's mind? It's a boon to not remember stuff like that.  
Why is Barry going back to thinking about Julian again and again? Is this his new obsession? Does he care about Julian more than Iris? No no, how can that be. That's impossible. What a reckless thought. What a lovely reckless thought.

No. He needs to get a grip on himself. Iris is his future. He loves her. Joe's counting on him to keep her safe and happy and so he will. It's his duty to do so.

Duty? Duty? Really? Isn't this love? Doesn't he love Iris enough to keep her safe and happy? His thoughts betray him. What's this, another mind-game from Savitar? Yes, this is a trick. Definitely a trick. Couldn't be anything else.

Couldn't it be?

Barry needs to stop questioning his conviction. He's the Flash for Christ's sake! He should hold his ground firmly. But the roots aren't deep enough.  
No, stop it, just stop this. Not now. After all this time Barry can't lose control now. He has to defeat Savitar, he has to save Iris, he has to rescue Wally from the Speedforce. Why did Julian show up now? Why in this universe, in this very moment, in this life, in his life.

No! No thinking about Julian anymore. If the Flash spirals out of control, there's no hope left for Central City. If the Scarlet Speedster can't even tame his own thoughts what are his chances of defeating Savitar? He has to control himself, he has to.  
God, please. Take away this power, this wonderful ability and restore that ordinary Barry Allen. That mundane no-one, who wouldn't think twice before accepting his feelings. Giving up the speed for love was never a question. Never.  
Love...love...love....Iris...Iris...blue irises threatening to pierce that latent part of Barry's soul that thirsts deep for longing...a simple handshake who's warmth tingles Barry in places beyond the physicality of his being....soft lips saying his name that is torturous and sweet in his ear, like delicately carved daggers stabbing his heart oozing blood and love while managing somehow, to seep in more tenderness into the beating organ...a hug that holds him a bit tighter than expected, like letting go was never an option,....wait, Iris doesn't have blue eyes. And they didn't shake hands anytime soon.

God, please. Not now. Please.

"Hey bro I might have...." Barry's thoughts were interrupted as Cisco entered the Cortex. And thank God he did.  
"You okay?" Cisco was genuinely worried. Barry was lucky to have him as his friend.  
"Yeah yeah, I'm fine Cisco. You were saying?"  
Cisco didn't look totally satisfied with the answer but he continued anyway.  
"As I was saying, I might have found a way to stop Savitar. See this piece of arm...armour whatever that you managed to break off of Savitar has a bit of essence of the Philosopher's Stone, as in, a bit of its power. I can replicate this essence so that this thing becomes powerful enough to kill him. The hard part is, you need to strike him with this right through his heart. That should do the trick."  
"How do you know that striking him through the heart would...."  
"Oh Julian told me that. He did enough research on that wretched stone. He knows his stuff. I gotta say, doing this without Julian's help would've been very very difficult. I'm not gonna say impossible 'cause nothing's impossible for Cisco Ramon."  
Barry gave a weak chuckle at this.  
"This is great news Cisco. Get to developing the weapon right away. We need to end this as soon as possible."  
Cisco nodded and headed straight towards his lab.  
Barry needs to appreciate all that Julian is doing for the team. And he needs to appreciate him very formally. He can't let his guard down in front of Julian.  
He dialed Julian's number on his phone.  
"Hey Jul, where are you?"  
"At CCPD. Is everything ok?"  
"No yeah yeah. Absolutely. Can I come over?"  
"This is half your lab Allen. You don't need my permission to visit your own lab."  
"Alright then, I'll be there in a moment. See you."  
Heaving a sigh Barry made his way out of the Cortex.  
What was he thinking? Julian was already Caitlin's. One-sided love seemed to be Barry's specialty. For a speedster, he seems to be pretty late to everything that matters to him the most.

Barry entered the lab, trying to keep straight face. He needs to do this before its…  
“Heya mate! You seem tensed. Everything alright?”

Stop gazing with those blue orbs Julian, they’re distracting.

“Peachy.”  
Barry looked through the window, down at the busy street. He wished the traffic would just stop for a moment like his world has. He regained his composure before speaking again.  
“Listen Julian,…I…I just wanted to say thank you for what you did yesterday. And I’m really sorry for being a jerk. I shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have forced you to…”  
Julian placed a hand over Barry’s shoulder. 

Remove this touch now Julian or I will melt. I will melt into nothingness. I will melt into something that slips right through your fingers without you noticing. I don’t wanna slip now Julian. Not now. 

“It’s alright mate. It helped the team didn’t it? And besides, for once, you got to be a jerk to me. It’s a win-win situation surely.”  
Barry wasn’t risking looking directly at him but his words forced Barry to look up. Barry looked up to stare right in those cerulean eyes. He hopes to God that he isn’t blushing.  
“It’s not okay Jul. This fear of losing the battle against Savitar is making me do things that I don’t want to do. I’m not a manipulative scumbag that harasses people into doing things that hurt them. It’s making me less human by day. I can’t keep living like this. I don’t want to turn into Savitar, Julian, I…”  
Barry’s visions blur as silent tears snake down his cheeks. 

Is he crying in front of Julian Albert? God! What has he become?

“Barry, I know who you are. And you can trust me to always remember who you really are. Even when you forget or doubt yourself, I’ll remind you of yourself. It’ll be okay Barry, it’ll be okay.”  
Julian hugged him tight and stroked his hair softly to calm him down. Barry sniffled against Julian’s waistcoat, hoping to absorb some of Julian’s unique redolence. 

Let this embrace last a little longer….just a bit more….a bit more…

Barry pulled himself apart from the hug. Right now, this hold is more lethal for him than Savitar. 

“I’ll see you tonight? At STAR Labs?” Julian’s voice was peaked with eagerness.  
“Yeah, yes.”  
“Cheers!”  
Barry gave a watery smile, “Thank you again Julian.”  
“Anytime Allen.” Julian flashed his trademark smile at Barry which is oh so pure to be wasted on Barry.  
Barry smiled back and exited the lab swiftly.  
One more second and he would’ve blabbed about his stupid emotions to Julian.  
He can’t risk that. He can never risk that.  
Never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! What a shitty piece of writing. Why did I upload this again?  
> Oh right, it was 3 am and I was, as usual, sleepless.  
> I really love Allenbert. Like really really love Allenbert.  
> Do you want more chapters though? I will upload more chapters but I'm a lazy lil' bitch.


	2. Chapter 2

Cisco had been busy developing that weapon.   
Joe and Iris had, thankfully, decided not to pester him continuously about Wally.  
Caitlin and Julian were occasionally helping Cisco while working on the Flash suit. Barry didn't know that his suit could be any more advanced. Obviously, he was wrong. He seems to be wrong about quite a lot of things these days. Joe was at CCPD and Iris needed to work late to meet her deadline. Watching Caitlin and Julian work together like well-oiled cogs in a machine in its pristine condition, was irritating Barry more than it should've. So he decided to take a walk.   
"Hey guys, I'm gonna go for a walk." He, honestly, needed the fresh air.   
Cisco said a vague "hmm" while the pair only nodded in response. Everybody was hard at work.   
For Barry.   
He needed to keep reminding himself that Team Flash wasn't ignoring The Flash but working to help him against his ultimate fight against Savitar. Savitar doesn't have a team, does he? Very unlikely.   
Barry was about to recede from view when he heard that familiar baritone saying his name.   
"Stay safe, Allen and don't do anything stupid."   
"I won't jeez!" Barry said casually. However, he was unable to stop his cheeks from turning carmine.   
He cares for me.   
"Well, of course he does. You're his friend." His inner-self was a dick.   
Barry began to walk. The gentle wind felt like bliss on his skin. He started to walk a bit faster so that the coolness of the breeze might ease his calloused soul too. So walking turned into jogging, jogging turned into running, and running turned into a full on whizz.   
Barry was always fond of running. Running towards troubles while running away from problems.   
Suddenly Barry was sitting in his old room at Joe's place with Jay Garrick smiling warmly at him.   
Wait, what?  
"Jay....Garrick?"  
"Think again."  
Barry paused for a moment before replying, "Oh right. You're the Speedforce."  
"For a speedster, you're incredibly slow, Barry."  
"Believe me I know that."  
"Before we proceed, you should know that Wallace is okay. He's not in any pain. Physically that is. And you'll get your chance to save him."  
Barry had forgotten about him. How could he?   
"That is not why we're here? To talk about Wally?" Barry's weak attempt to conceal his blunder.  
"No we're not."  
"Then?"  
"Say Barry, you're about to face Savitar in your advanced suit with the weapon that you know will kill him. All you need to do is to be right there, in the moment, fighting Savitar with your full concentration. Can you do that?"   
"Yeah definitely. I have to do it haven't I? Yes I ca...."  
"Are you sure? If Iris' life depended on this one chance would you've taken it?"   
Barry didn't respond. There was nothing to say. The Speedforce knew.   
When the silence was becoming uncomfortable, he spoke again.   
"You know."  
"Of course I know, Barry. It's our job to know."  
"Can you help me?"  
"That's why we're here. I'm going to give you a chance. A shot at what you desire.  
Barry's heart was slowly gaining speed. The incessant thumping was faintly audible to his ears.   
"What?...How can you...how can...?"  
"But I won't be able to grant you much time. You need to work fast."  
"What about this Earth?"  
"I will send my Patronus to inform others."   
The Speedforce was joking in this situation?   
When Barry's confused face couldn't find the correct words, the Speedforce continued the conversation.   
"My point is, I'll handle everything. I believe you trust me, yes? Alright. I'll send you to an alternate universe where you will find that the hard part is already taken care of." He added the last bit with a wink.   
The Speedforce stood up and walked towards the door, "Give your heart some peace, Barry. It's overdue for a long time."  
Barry followed the footsteps of the Force and stood beside it.  
With his hands on the doorknob, he couldn't help but ask the Speedforce the one question he had been dying to ask, "Why? Why are you doing this for me?"  
A flicker of sadness sparked in the man's eyes. None but a speedster only, would be able to notice that slight activity.   
"The Speedforce is a collective conscience, Barry. We decide to help when one truly needs it."  
The entity spoke slowly this time, "Time is very fragile. You could lose everything in the blink of an eye. Danger is always round the corner. Live while you can."  
"You mean, I will die fighting Savitar? Is that an augury?"  
"No. I don't imply anything. Now run along before I change my mind."  
Barry opened the door and found himself in his lab at CCPD. The room was flooded with sunlight. Everything seemed so luminous and ebullient. And there in the far corner, sat Julian with his back towards him, working on the microscope.   
"Allen, for once you could come on time. I often find it hard to believe that you're the Flash."  
"Oh I uhh...."  
"Leave it. Listen, Iris called. She and Eddie can't make it tonight."  
"Eddie's alive?"  
Julian turned towards him, "Is that a joke? You're pathetic, Allen. Really."  
"No I'm sorry...I mean, can't make it where? What's tonight?"  
Julian rolled his eyes, "You want me to say it, don't you?"  
"Yeah well...you know tha..."  
"Very well, Allen. Tonight, we're going on a date. You finally managed to pop the question without rubbing the skin off of your neck. I'm sure it's still bruised. There. Happy?"   
Barry didn't know what to say. He had asked Julian out on a date and he had said yes?! Is this reality? Is this really happening? This is not his mind playing tricks again, is it?"  
He pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Julian noticed it and laughed. A tinge of red visible on his pale cheeks. He stood up and walked towards Barry, his face just inches away from the speedster's.   
"You're not dreaming, Allen. This is real." Barry closed the distance. Just a peck on the lips. He needed to do that. He needed to that for a very long time. 

He tastes like imported tea and the regular cup of Joe from Jitters. He tastes like the sweetness of cinnamon varied with the tipsiness of vodka. He tastes like ecstasy blended with the everlasting blue that tugs at the farthest corners of his heart. He tastes like the untamed salty ocean gale fused with the sweet mists of the high mountains. He tastes like the drink that moistens Barry's parched soul while leaving it dry and craving for more. His taste is pure. His taste is surreal. He is surreal. And this surreality is all Barry's. 

"Sorry, I wanted to do that in case you change your mind later."  
"Quite alright." Julian was still smiling his soothing trademark smile.   
"I shall see you tonight Barry."  
"Yes you shall."  
Barry waltzed out of the room with a wide grin pasted on his mug. The Speedforce wasn't lying when he said that he had done all the heavy lifting. God knows how he managed to do that!   
A whisper echoed through his mind, "Live while you can."   
Is he gonna die?   
Barry shaked off the bad vibe. Whatever happens, he'll deal with it.   
But first things first. He needs a good tux for tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was fast! And small yes, I know.  
> I really don't know if I should continue this though.  
> Concrit is very much appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

Julian, dressed in jet-black single-breasted jacket, dress pants and a waistcoat, looked exquisite to Barry’s eyes.  
Barry, however, had managed to find an old tuxedo of his dad’s which fit him quite well. ‘Old’ didn’t sound right to his ears so he decided to call it a ‘classic.’ Needless to say, Julian couldn’t take his eyes off of his date.  
Since Iris and Eddie weren’t joining them, Barry had decided to take Julian to the one place he knew his date would absolute love to visit – the Central City Art Gallery. Julian had stopped in front of a painting which looked like a square made of tiny triangles. Barry was ready to hear whatever came out of Julian’s lips, doesn’t matter if it’s the explanation of the boring painting. He kept looking at Julian’s full lips as he spoke on.  
“….triangles that are sometimes uniform, linked at the corners into lithe Op Art patterns. Sometimes they fly diagonally, or sprint after each other in rows; sometimes the odd ones flip over, skip in another direction, or expand to trip the eye with little ruptures that throw up other sequences. To trick the eye with overlapping, shifting patterns-beyond-patterns that seem to grow and shrink. Or there are horizontal and vertical bands of varying length and width, with varying gaps between them, standing, criss-crossing or plaited, in varying densities of mainly grey and blue. Or a splinter of dashes with the color alternating between light and lighter grey which perhaps recall the persuasive silence of Agnes Martin. The permutations seem, notionally, endless, much like octaves or words tumbling out of letters of the alphabet. While most of these works….”  
Julian noticed Barry smiling at him from the corner of his eyes.  
“Allen, are you listening?”  
“Yeah yeah, of course. Go on.”  
Julian sighed and rolled his and sighed, “If you aren’t paying attention that what is the point of…”  
He was interrupted as Barry abruptly spoke, “God, you’re beautiful.”  
Julian turned tomato-red at his compliment. “Thank you Allen. You look handsome as well.”  
“You know much about art for a CSI.”  
“I…I liked to paint. As a child, when I collected samples of insects or wild flowers, I used to sketch them too. In a way, science made me an artist.”  
Barry’s smile widened as he spoke, “You’re unique Julian. I’ve never met anyone like you before.”  
“Same goes for you Barry.” Julian added coyly.  
Barry made a mental note in his mind – shy Julian is a sexy Julian.  
“You hungry?”  
“Yeah yes. Let’s go.”  
They headed out of the gallery.  
Julian’s hands brushed Barry’s, intentionally. Barry grinned while looking down at the floor. Julian’s lips stretched a bit more to see his date smile.  
Once at the restaurant, Julian handed the menu to Barry for order.  
“Fancy name, fancy name, fancy name, fancy name….” is all that lodged in Barry’s mind. For someone who visited only Jitters and Big Belly Burger, this was very confusing.  
“Would you like me to order?”  
“Yes. Thank you.” Barry was relieved to hand the menu back to Julian.  
Julian took one look at that wretched thing and ordered Gnocchi for two and a bottle of Pinot Noir.  
Once the waiter was gone, they started to talk in between little sips of their complimentary champagne.  
“You’ve never visited Serafina before? It’s quite good!”  
“You know me Jul. I’m more of a burger-or-pizza-with-a-large-coke kinda guy. All these fancy names confuse me.”  
“Yeah I saw. For once, my old-money traditions were helpful.”  
Barry chuckled and sipped his drink.  
“So, how are you liking my city?”  
“I’ve been living here for several years now, Allen.”  
“Yeah but still…”  
“Central City is my home, Barry. I’m never going back. And it’s not your city, it’s our city.”  
Our. It’s not you and me anymore. It’s ‘our.’ If this is a dream, please never let it end.  
Their food arrived and Barry’s hunger increased ten folds from the delicious smell.  
Gnocchi, is Italian pasta with these delicate little pillows of potato whipped up from scratch, topped with a secret sauce and some silky mozzarella. Barry was transported straight to Italy. And the wine was a perfect addition to the dish.  
In short, Julian was getting a very expensive ‘thank you’ from Barry tonight. If you know what I mean.  
After that nummy dinner, it was time for desserts.  
It was time for Julian to order again. “What do you want for afters?”  
“You.”  
Barry didn’t realize that he had said that out loud before it was too late. Julian’s confounded face validated his mistake.  
“What?” Julian was still wide-eyed.  
“You…you decide.”  
“Oh. Sure.”  
Silly strive to restore the situation. But the damage had already been done. Barry must be a weirdo in Julian’s mind by now.  
“Umm…I’m gonna go with bittersweet chocolate soufflé. Same for you?”  
“Yeah.”  
Julian was definitely a romanticist as nothing says “romance” like a straight-from-the oven rich chocolate soufflé.  
They had split the bill. Julian did insist on paying like the posh Brit that he was, but Barry was adamant. So, fifty-fifty it was.  
As they were about to exit, they noticed that it started to rain heavily. None of them had brought an umbrella as it was supposed to be a clear sky tonight. But Barry’s luck. Something has to go wrong.  
“Ah, bollocks!”  
“You don’t like rain?”  
“No I don’t, Allen. Getting drenched in an overpriced suit is really not my thing.”  
“Do you want to wait inside?”  
Julian chewed his lips for a moment before answering and Barry almost lost all of his self control.  
“No, let’s go.”  
Thankfully, the torrent had reduced to a drizzle. The pair started to dawdle on the sidewalk. Julian’s apartment was nearer to the restaurant that Barry’s. The street was moderately crowded. People hurried under their umbrellas, too busy to pay any heed to anyone in particular. The yellow streetlamps illuminated patches of the damp grey road, while the other parts lay perfectly hidden under the overgrown trees. The silent walk was blissful, especially because the couple wasn’t really aware when their hands had intertwined.  
They stopped before Julian’s walkway.  
“This is me.” said Julian with a smile that reached his eyes.  
“It was a good day, Barry. Thank you.”  
“Anytime, Jul.” Barry was so, so happy that his date had enjoyed the day.  
The couple had walked up to the door. Julian opened the lock and looked at Barry, “Good night, Allen.”  
“Good night, Julian.”  
The air was thick with excitement and expectation.  
It happened.  
Julian raised his head as Barry lowered his, and they kissed. Then, for the first time in Barry’s life, he was aware of someone’s body, of someone’s smell. They had their arms around each other. Barry held Julian like he was some rare, exhausted, nearly doomed bird which he had miraculously happened to find. Barry was a bit scared and he knew Julian was too. And so they shut their eyes.  
Back in his own universe, Barry had felt a faint, dreadful stirring of what so overwhelmingly stirred in him now, great thirsty heat, and trembling, and tenderness so painful he thought his heart would burst. But out of this, astounding, intolerable pain came joy; they gave each other joy this night. It seemed that a lifetime wouldn’t be long enough for Barry to act with Julian the act of love.  
But this lifetime is short, is bounded by the warning of the Speedforce.  
The kiss left them breathless.  
“Would you like to come inside?”  
“Yes, absolutely.”  
Sopping clothes were left on the floor. Hands touched every inch of skin. It was wild, yet it was calming. It was messy but it was perfect. The day couldn’t have had a better end.  
Barry awoke while Julian was still sleeping, curled like a baby oh his side, towards him. He looked like a baby, his mouth half open, his cheeks flushed, his curly hair darkening the pillow and half hiding his damp forehead and his long eyelashes glinting slightly in the summer sun. The sheets they had used to cover their naked bodies was tangled around their feet. Julian’s body was pale, was sweaty, the most beautiful creation Barry had ever seen.  
Barry would’ve touched him to wake him up but something stopped him. He was suddenly afraid.  
This was not his world. This was not his Julian. The Speedforce had told him he will not get much time with his love. What will happen when he leaves? Will that break Julian? Does Julian love him that much? What if, Barry leaves and it scars Julian? Much has been written on love turning to hatred, of the heart growing cold with the death of love. It’s a remarkable process. It is far more terrible than anything The Flash had ever encountered, more terrible than anything Barry will ever be able to say.  
Barry was so worried about what will happen to Julian that he didn’t contemplate the fact that he might die fighting Savitar. It wasn’t a surety but it certainly was a possibility. All that had delighted him the other night seemed to have turned sour on his stomach.  
Julian opened his eyes to see Barry deep in thought.  
“Morning, Allen.”  
“Good morning Julian.” Barry tried to detach himself from his current thoughts and smile an authentic smile.  
“Penny for your thoughts?”  
“It’s nothing Jul. Probably just nerves. It’ll go away.”  
Julian’s smile fell from his face, “Are you regretting last night?”  
“Never” said Barry with such conviction that Julian dismissed the idea completely.  
“I’m gonna head over to work. Need better clothes. See you at the lab, partner.”  
Barry put on his shirt which had cringes all over. He tucked it in his pants and smoothened his disheveled hair as far as he could.  
“How do I look?”  
“Like you had a rough night.” Julian replied with a sly smile and a wink.  
“I did” Barry retorted with a wink and left the flat.  
No matter how it seems now, Barry must confess that he loves Julian. And he will never love anyone like that ever again.  
Their day at the CCPD was packed with work. The number of meta-humans seemed to be increasing exponentially. The couple barely caught glances of each other, and when they did Barry’s heart leaped seeing Julian smile at him like he meant the world to him. Files were stacked high and the workload was sickening. Of course Barry could do all the work in seconds but then what is the point of working together? He did enjoy working his ass off, if it meant he could be nearer to Julian 24x7.  
After prolonged hours of working with his head down, Barry had looked up from his table. Outside his window the horizon had begun to darken, turning the azure into a purplish blue.  
Barry’s thoughts from the starting of the day emerged once again.  
This was not his life.  
He looked over at Julian writing a report with great concentration.  
What do you do when you can’t live without someone and yet can’t be with them forever? Should he tell the truth to him? Should he break it off with a lie? There seemed to be no solution in view.  
The situation seemed yet more unreal as he compared it to the reality of his despairing sense that nothing was real for him, nothing would ever be real for him again – unless, indeed, this sensation of falling was reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't write smut. I giggle too much.  
> Apologies for my cowardly attempt of covering it up.  
> Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Barry sneaked into the lab at noon. He had taken the day off from work. He had to be at the Star Labs for some Flash stuff. Julian had surely not expected to see him at their lab. So his visit was definitely going to be a surprise. He found Julian, seated at his desk, with his back to the door, and leaning his head on the headrest. Barry walked up to him and placed a kiss on his forehead. Julian grinned and opened his eyes.  
“Allen” said Julian with the grin still tugging at his lips.  
“Hey Jul. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay. You look tired by the way.”  
“I am tired. I’ve been neck-deep in meta-human cases all day. Their numbers seem to rise by minute.”  
Barry felt a pinch of guilt for taking his day off. Julian had clearly needed help. Maybe, Julian read his feelings in his face.  
“It’s okay Allen. It’s not like you were out on a trip. They needed you back at the lab.”  
“Well, you needed me too. And more so than they did.”  
“Allen, c’mon. It’s just for a day. I’ll survive.”  
“I know.”  
Throughout the conversation, Barry was preparing to reveal the truth about him to Julian. About where he came from and about his limited time with him. Barry was very sure to tell him all until he saw him. Suddenly, this visit didn’t seem so fruitful. Hesitation was creeping in his mind and quickly enough he’d be forced to change his decision. Without further thinking, Barry decided to give it a go.  
“Jul, I’ve to tell you something.”  
“Yeah? Ok, what is it?”  
“Not now. I’ll see you tonight?”  
“Sure but at least tell me what’s it about?”  
“I’ll tell you all about it tonight.”  
There were creases forming on Julian’s temple as his warm blue orbs seemed scared.  
“No, don’t worry! Everything’s fine.” Barry didn’t want to scare him.  
“Okay Barry. I’ll see you tonight then.”  
“Okay, see ya. Love you.”  
Telling the truth wasn’t meant to be easy. But it wasn’t supposed to be this tough. How do you tell someone that the one you love has to go away? Barry hated final goodbyes. Who doesn’t?  
He spent the whole afternoon preparing his approach. Good God it was scary! He had no idea how Julian would react.  
Just an hour before meeting Julian, Barry got a call from Cisco.  
“Hey Cisco, what’s u..?”  
He was interrupted as Cisco started speaking sounding all panicky, “Barry listen, you have to come here right now. It’s the Speed Force. It’s closing up. I don’t know how but the breach won’t stay open. You have to save Wally right now….”  
Barry needed no other explanation. His duties as the Flash came before his own happiness. This was how it was meant to be. This was how it should be.  
Barry was in the Cortex at no time. The breach was open, but collapsing on itself, like some invisible force was trying to close it from the inside. This was his last chance to save Wally. It’s now or never.  
But he hadn’t said goodbye to Julian yet.  
“Barry c’mon, it’s closing.” Cisco sounded like a maniac.  
Barry muttered “I’m sorry Julian” under his breath and entered into the Speed Force.  
The Speed Force was fifty shades fucked up.  
It was uncooperative, cold and gloomy. There were time wraiths everywhere. Not to mention, the Speed Force taking the shape of his dead comrades and talking to him. Thanks to Jay who saved him from getting blasted away by Leonard’s Cold Gun. They finally found Wally, in a terrible shape, witnessing his mother’s death over and over. Is there was hell on Earth, this was it. How did Barry create something like this? No doubt Savitar is so pissed at him. Barry wanted to stay back but Jay wouldn’t budge. He was, shamefully, secretly pleased just a bit ‘cause he gets to return to his Julian once more. With a promise of getting Jay out after destroying Savitar, Barry and Wally started to look for their way out. It was Eddie again, or the Speed Force as Eddie who showed up again.  
“Enjoyed your stay, Barry?”  
Wally looked utterly confused when Barry said “yes.” The Speed Force is not a very enjoyable place.  
“Ready to go back?”  
Barry nodded and all of a sudden, they were thrown out of the extra dimension onto the floor of Star Labs.”  
Amidst all the questions catapulted at them, Barry eyes searched for Julian. He was nowhere to be seen. Must be at CCPD working his ass off.  
“Barry, are you okay?” H.R.’s question caught him off-guard.  
“Yeah yeah I’m fine. Hey H.R. where’s…”  
His question was cut off as Iris came running at him and threw her arms around him.  
“Oh God Barry, I thought I lost you.” She was in tears. Barry’s heart softened for her.  
“I’m okay Iris, I’m real…”  
Once again interrupted as Iris kissed him hungrily.  
Barry’s lips went cold. He felt nothing. She kept kissing and Barry closed his eyes, feeling that strong chains were dragging him into fire. It seemed, as if, his body, next to her warmth, her insistence, under her hands, would never awaken. But when it awakened, Barry had moved out of it. From a great height, where the air all around him was colder than ice, he watched his body in a stranger’s arms.  
Barry wanted to flee. Iris sensed his hesitation and broke off the embrace. It was awkward and sad when passion was not met with passion.  
Caitlin and Cisco dragged him to run tests. Barry couldn’t help but mentally appreciate their impeccable timing.  
While Caitlin was busy checking his vitals, Barry asked her about Julian.  
“Hey Caitlin, where’s Julian?”  
Caitlin and Cisco shared a grave look.  
Barry wasn’t expecting what he heard.  
Caitlin started speaking with a significant delay, “Barry you were gone a long time.”  
“How long?”  
“A week.”  
“A week?” Barry felt like he had spent an eternity with Julian in their universe.  
“Yeah and something happened during that time. One night, we were trying to track Savitar’s location and we did find him.”  
Cisco continued her answer. “Savitar was paying a visit to Julian. We did get there as soon as possible but Savitar had already gone by then. We found Julian unconscious on the floor.”  
It was Caitlin’s turn to speak again. “When he woke up the next morning, he refused to work with Team Flash anymore. He said our séances with Savitar had caused this and that he won’t be a part of us from that day on.”  
Cisco continued, “Caitlin here, is the only one Julian speaks to nowadays. It almost looks like they are bonded by a secret.” Cisco looked offended.  
“It’s nothing like that Cisco.” Caitlin retorted while averting his eyes.  
This was a bolt out of the blue for Barry.  
“What? All these happened while I was gone? Where is he now?”  
“At CCPD most probably.”  
There, Barry wasn’t totally wrong about Julian’s whereabouts.  
Barry was ready to leave when Caitlin stopped him.  
“Barry what are you going to do?”  
“I’ll just have a talk with him. I promise.”  
Without stopping to listen to further arguments from Cisco and Caitlin, Barry was out of the lab and in CCPD in a flash.  
Julian was there, working, as if nothing had happened, nothing had changed. He turned around to see Barry standing at the door.  
"Oh Allen, you're back. Good. Have you come to join me in the lab?"  
"No...uhh...I mean, I'm here because..."  
Julian folded his hands on his chest, "yes?"  
"You left the team?"  
Julian heaved a sigh before speaking. "Yes. As a matter of fact, I've left your little crusade. Does that bother you? About us working here in CCPD?"  
"No it won't. But why did you leave? You know we can help you."  
"None of this would've started if not for you and your team."  
"You mean you'd rather live on without knowing that you're working for Savitar? We helped you. We helped you to get rid..."  
"You helped me to get rid of Savitar? Really Allen? All you did was use me for your own cause. You didn't care that it was torture for me. You just wanted to save your girlfriend, didn't you? So you kept using me as a human Ouiji board."  
Barry was stunned. He didn't know what to say.  
"You really think I don't care about you Julian?"  
If Julian was surprised, he hid it extremely well under his vicious visor of anger and anguish.  
"Yes Barry, I do."  
Barry turned his face away before a single tear rolled down his cheek. But Julian saw it.  
After a pause, which seemed like an eternity, Barry spoke again. This time voice cold and clear. No hint of emotion whatsoever.  
"I'll resign. You will receive my resignation letter tomorrow."  
"If that's what you want, it's fine by me."  
Barry exited the room without another word. He didn't look back once.  
'Cause if he had, he would've seen a defeated Julian, hunched on the table, crying silently.  
This was it. Savitar had won. For him, this was going to be rest of his life.  
All his life, Julian believed that he could write his own future. His education, intellect, confidence had never failed him. So he hold on to that belief and wore it like a crown on his head. Now he knows better. He knows that people who believe that they're strong-willed and masters of their destiny can only continue to believe this by becoming specialists in self-deception. Their decisions are not really decisions at all - a real decision makes one humble, one knows that it is at the mercy of more things that can be named - but elaborate systems of evasion, of illusion, designed to make themselves and the world appear to be what they and the world are not.  
The next day, when Barry came to hand in his resignation letter, Caitlin was already there having a conversation, or more like an argument with Julian.  
Barry heard her from the corridor so hid himself near the door and statrted to eavesdrop.  
"Julian, this is getting out of hand. You've to tell the team."  
"I don't have to do anything Caitlin. I'm fine with the arrangement."  
"I'm not fine with it Julian. This doesn't have to be the only way. Come back please. I'm begging you. We can fix this. We can..."  
"You can't fix this Caitlin. Not this time. Not anymore."  
"Let us help you please."  
"You don't understand. I've to do this. I have to."  
"Okay then. You do whatever you've to do. But I'm not stopping until I've found another way out."  
Caitlin almost ran out of the room. Thank God Barry was the Flash. He quickly ran to the entrance of the police station.  
"Hey Caitlin. Everything alright?"  
"It will be Barry, it will be."  
Caitlin was clearly in a hurry, so she stormed off without another look at him.  
What the hell was that all about?  
Is Julian hiding something? Cisco was right. Julian and Caitlin do share a secret.  
Barry needs to find out. And he needs to do it soon. But it'll be a cold day in hell before Julian tells him anything. And Caitlin won't say anything either 'cause she probably made a promise to Julian that she won't. How does she know his secret by the way?  
Too many questions. He can submit the letter later. Now, he needs to think of a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've no beta. All mistakes are mine. If there are any grammatical errors, I'll correct them in a few hours. Concrit is very much appreciated.  
> Also, I like writing short chapters.


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